Spencer's Grief
by poisonx8
Summary: Spencer's point of view after the death of Maeve.


**So I came up with this while watching Magnus Opus. For those of you who don't know the episodes by names, well you guys could just look it up, but it's the episode right after Zugzwang…you know that one…the one where Maeve dies. Anyways here's Reid's point of view of everything going on. This is a oneshot and really just a drabble so don't expect much. Of course I own nothing.**

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"_You would die for her?!" Diane screamed. I inwardly cringed as I realized what had just happened. She wasn't going to fall for this. She was too smart. I had only hoped that her emotions would have distracted her long enough for me to talk her into putting the gun down. This wasn't supposed to happen. I pretty much yanked Maeve out of hiding and now look what I have done. She's in the arms of her stalker, soon to be killer if I don't do something. _

"_Yes." I rasped as my eyes started watering. I will the sadness and dread away only to have it slap me in retaliation. Maeve mentions Thomas Merton and at that moment I knew her fate. The horrified and angry look that spread over Diane's face gave away how angry she was. To my team, my family, it made no sense what we were talking about. To Maeve and I it was a symbol of what we have, our bond. To Diane though, it was Maeve gloating._

"_He's the one thing you can't take away from Spencer and me" Maeve whispered. My heart dropped as the words left her mouth. Why did she just say that? That will just antagonize this psycho nobody bitch. _

"_No." Diane pointed the gun at her temple and pulled the trigger. _

"WAIT!" I wailed as I shot up straight from the couch. My breathing started slowing down and my pulse rate dropped as I looked around my apartment. I had dozed off and had one of those dreams again. My apartment is a mess. I'm a mess, a lonely mess. It had been two weeks since Maeve's death, but the pain felt like it was yesterday. I looked around and reflected over the past two weeks in my head.

_Blood, so much blood. It seeped out of Maeve like a steady stream and mixed in with Diane's gaping hole. Why couldn't anyone move? Why couldn't I move? Why didn't she move? I remembered getting off my knees while crying and trying to run to her. Before it had felt like time stood still for everyone, but when I got up off the ground everything was thrown back into motion. Hotch was the first to get to me. He yanked me away from the blood, from Maeve knowing I wanted so badly to hold her. I had never felt her before. When he grabbed my arm I felt someone else grab him I looked over and saw JJ had placed a hand on the shoulder of Hotch's arm that was grabbing me. He looked into her eyes and sighed softly. I felt him pull away from my forearm and step back slightly. I locked eye with JJ and she nodded wiping a tear away from her eyes. It was then I noticed my entire team was crying. I automatically thought back to when Haley was killed. When one of us feels pain, it's like all of us do as well. _

_I crouched down near Maeve and ignored the blood staining my converses. Hesitantly I brushed a stray hair from her face and cupped a hand around her cheek. I never got to kiss her, never got to hold her. I never got to smile at her. I scooped her up in my arms and pulled her away from the blood of that killer, from the grasp of that killer. To me in my mind Maeve is a warm, gently person. She was, but now she's cold and a hollow shell of before. _

_The next things happened so fast. Back up was arriving, an ambulance and the coroner. Why an ambulance? I looked down and realized, oh right, I had been shot. I as I sat on the floor holding Maeve I cried harder. For the life I had practically stolen, for the heart that was stolen from both of us. When her last breath was taken. A part of my heart died with her. I placed a gently kiss on her forehead and bowed my head again. I wanted to kiss her lips, but it wasn't right. I couldn't let our first kiss be our last. I couldn't give her a kiss she would not part of. It was stealing from her, and I had stolen enough from her. If I couldn't give her our first kiss correctly, I wouldn't give it to here at all. What sent me over the edge was the coroner trying to pull Maeve from my arms. That was when my team stepped in. That poor man was trying to do his job and I was making it hard on everyone. _

"_NO! She's been through enough leave her alone! Let us be!" A voice screamed. Leave whom alone? I thought. That's when I realized that outrageous cry had come from my lips. _

"_Sir please." He begged crouching down and reaching for Maeve's cold body. _

"_Spence." JJ reasoned crouching next to me. _

"_No JJ! I have to take her!" I screamed as she stood up and her eyes widened at my outburst. JJ looked over at Hotch and nodded. _

"_Reid let go." Hotch ordered as he nodded at the coroner. I hadn't realized in the midst of crying and screaming my grasp on her had slacked. The coroner quickly pulled Maeve out of my arms with the help of Rossi and loaded her into a body bag. _

"_WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I screamed while lunging my body at the team carrying her out the room. I had successfully knocked one of them off his feet before Hotch grabbed my arm. Thankfully he had because I didn't know my fist was curled up in a ball ready to hit this stranger. I then noticed that man wasn't the only person I had knocked into. In my attempt to get up I had knocked JJ on her butt. She sat on the ground stunned before Derek pulled her to her feet. _

"_Derek." Hotch sighed. Derek. He was talking to his family now. Not to his subordinates. _

"_Spencer." Morgan grunted as he bent over and threw me over his shoulder. I pounded on his back and screamed at them to give Maeve back. To give me more time. I screamed at the sky when we walked out the building. I screamed and cried till I was blue in the face. I cried till I passed out still draped over Derek's shoulder before he gently slid me into the SUV. JJ slid in next to me and Blake getting in the front seat. I knew this because I wasn't completely out. I wish I was, and then I would have forgotten for a brief moment. _

It had been two weeks, I should talk to them, and they were going to be there for me. I knew that in my heart, but my body and mind couldn't handle it right now. My mind needed rest, my body needed to be cared for, but I couldn't do it. There was a knock on the door. Garcia's voice drifted through the barrier separating me from the world, then JJ's soft voice followed. I know that tone, that's her mom tone. That's not the soft one she used when she was a media liaison. That's the voice she uses when Henry's upset. That's the voice she used when Emily "died".

I knocked as they asked me too and slid down the back of the door before I heard another basket being placed on the ground and Garcia's bracelets jingle towards the stairs and JJ's heels clicking against the floor following behind her.

I got up and looked around at the books strewn haphazardly around the room before sitting down and picking up the book Maeve had given me. I gingerly pressed the book to my chest and lay down on the couch. I closed my eyes, but I knew I was not going to sleep. When I close my eyes I see her, scared, cold, pale and then gone.

I get another call from Derek. I know it's him because his ringtone goes off. I sigh again and look at the ceiling not even bothering to silence the contraption. He was just checking on me I know it. I'll check my voicemail later.

In the time I spent holed up in my apartment only one call had almost persuaded me to answer. When a ringtone I hadn't heard got off in a while sounded my ears slightly perked up and my eye's widened. I wanted to answer, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. No doubt about it JJ had told Emily everything and no doubt she would check up on us. Interpol or not we were still on one team. I would call her back eventually, but for now I wanted alone time, I wanted solitude.

Derek's ringtone goes off again. I check the time. He had just called three hours ago. Three hours? Time was moving fast again. It was one of those days I guess. Feeling a little better after changing clothes and showering I grabbed the phone and flipped open the device. Morgan's masculine voice flowed through the voicemail and I sighed. It was work. I could do it. So I called him back. The surprise in his tone almost made me smirk. Almost.

"I've gotta go." I abruptly replied after cutting him off and hitting the receiver. I had helped him with the case, but I wasn't ready for him to help me with my broken heart.

Another day passed before I felt like I had finally snapped. I couldn't take it anymore. I need help. Yes, I need help. I'm alone and being in this apartment away from my family isn't helping me heal a damn thing. It's making everything worse. I need to get up. I just can't muster up my strength. Where did it go? Right it died away with Maeve. I let out a sigh and start to cry again. The case. Wait. Our unsub needs recognition. Diane needed recognition. Maybe that's what that is. I called Morgan back and told him about the area of where to look before he patched Garcia in. I told her again when she pulled up the map and sighed. I was feeling the strings pull together as I was helping them get one step closer to this killer. One less person could lose a loved one. I ended the call with them as Garcia was checking up on me. If I wasn't ready for Morgan I wasn't ready for Garcia's gently natured healing either.

Another day passed. I was feeling better. I looked at my apartment and rolled my eyes at myself. I had thrown a tantrum last night after getting off the phone with Garcia and Morgan. I couldn't handle their love right now. I couldn't protect Maeve. How could they protect me if I didn't deserve it? I'll make myself earn it back I reasoned. I got up pulled my bag over my head, grabbed my keys and headed for the door.

By the time I made it to the station I was feeling more alive. Interacting with people to get out here, smiling at small children who waved at me and thanking people that held doors open for me and welcoming others who I held the door for. I was easing my way back into society. Could I ease my way into the hearts and arms of my team again?

I walked into the station and flashed my badge. The lady at the front desk pointed to the team and I walked over. I saw them talking about theory and waited to speak up. When I did I felt heat rise to my cheeks as all attention was on me. I was welcomed with the love members held in their eyes. We set to work getting closer to the killer. When Morgan called Garcia I realized she didn't know so I spoke up. When she asked me how I was doing I gave an answer to her and subconsciously the rest of my team.

"Better." I replied with a relaxed sigh. I felt the tension in the team lift before they left to catch the killer. Hotch watched his team walk out before coming over to me.

"I didn't mean for you to come all the way out here Reid. You don't have to do this. It'll take time." He spoke with gentleness. His eyes told me he wasn't speaking as boss to subordinate; he was speaking as friend to friend, as father to son. He has and always will be my surrogate father. He stayed when Gideon left. Where was he now huh? Nowhere to be found, here was Hotch, right where I needed him. Where anyone would need him.

"How long does it take?" I rasped, I cringed at the break in my voice.

"I can't answer that, but it will take time and were always going to be here Reid." His eyes softened again before he patted my shoulder and followed everyone else out the building.

After catching the guy and boarding the jet I sat across from JJ who smiled at me and squeezed my hand. To my surprise gave her back a smile. It wasn't a big one, but it was real.

"Seven, but I think Ms. Thompson took two." I replied to which she laughed. Morgan walked over and ruffled my hair. I inwardly laughed as I realized I probably looked like a unshaven mess. I felt my face and cringed at the stubble. I wasn't Morgan, Hotch or Rossi, I couldn't do facial hair like them. Morgan called me kid for a reason.

"I'm sorry that I've" JJ cut me off with a simple "Spence"

"Anything you need our help with name it." JJ smiled. I thought back to my apartment and a light bulb went off in my head. I missed the feeling of my mind always at work. So I told them and Garcia, Morgan and JJ followed me home. Rossi had a meeting to go to when we got back. Hotch had to pick up Jack and Blake had teach a class when we got back so I didn't bother them.

One by one we shelved the books thrown on the floor. Garcia and JJ pulled back the curtains, letting sunlight back into the dreary room. Derek took down the horror that filled my walls. I shaved my facial hair and combed out my unruly hair. Of course only to have Morgan laugh and tousle it again. He nodded triumphantly when my hair was back to that messy, "pretty boy" look.

After the job was done we bid each other good evening and they started to make for the door. Morgan clasped his larger hand around mine in a handshake and pulled me in for a hug like the big brother he is to me. Garcia clasped her arm around my shoulder and hand around the back of my neck before pulling me into a hug like my big sister. JJ was the last to leave, she pulled me into a gently hug and held my face between her small, hands. Her slender fingers brushed my sunken in cheeks and gave me a warm smile like a mother would. I said goodbye before pulling out Maeve's book from my messenger bag. I read the personal note she had written. Letting out a sigh I walked over to my bookshelves and shelved the book. I wasn't ready to read it. Granted I had already read the book, but I wasn't ready to relive something we had bonded over. That something was one of a numerous other things that had brought us together. When Maeve was alive I never got to hug her, hold her, stay up late with her, read with her, read to her, take car of her if and when she gets sick, kiss her, or just be in her presence. I did however get to love her.


End file.
